1/20/2026, 7:24 am cst

happy new year 2026

happy and grateful to share that this morning and this day are off to a good start--i slept well and enough overnight and i've got food in my stomach, with a latte to my left, courtesy of my partner.

i haven't updated much as i was really in what i consider to be a considerable depressive episode for most of december, but in recent weeks/days, i also just started to get over an ass-kicking from a fly variant that's been going around. one of the only times i can think of that i've ever had the flu, if ever, and it was really intense. i was sick for almost 3 full weeks! but i'm glad to say that 98% of my symptoms have ceased, i do still have slight traces of a "productive" cough but that should be gone very soon, too. i took lots of nyquil and rested as much as i could inbetween sparse shifts at work. it was for the better that i was working less during this time, the body aches were really intense and at the peak of this flu i really could not do much more than curl up on my couch and watch star trek. speaking of...

we've been watching a lot of star trek, we initially started watching deep space nine, but i always find my way back to the next generation. i wanted to talk about how much i love and adore and appreciate data... and to be honest, he has inspired how i handle my shifts at work and how i gather my brain in the early morning when i've just woke up from sleep and feel scattered and complicated. (just one of those little autistic things--waking up in the morning can be psychologically very difficult for me.)

but rather than letting that complicated, emotional headspace overtake me and drive my mood as my day begins, i've done my best to think... "what would data do?" and that question comes to mind when i'm clocking in, working, doing my best. i realized while keeping him in mind that data does doubt himself occassionally, due to what he percieves as limitations as an adroid compared to a human, but truly he is incredibly capable and his android self and being isn't limited completely and he doesn't let that hinder him from fully applying himself, taking on any task, request, directive, or challenge on to the best of his ability and knowledge. and it made me think about how, consiously at times and other times subconsiously, i think i do really doubt myself and my abilities. in truth there are many moments where there are tasks and obligations at work that i genuinely don't feel 100% confident in--adhd can make it difficult for me to fully commit a small but helpful detail to memory. it's not something i do on purpose, but a shift at work for me is much easier if i can approach a task and not think, "wait, how do i do this?" "wait, what am i doing?" "wait, i can't remember..." and that happens more often than my coworkers would probably guess. but i realized as i took on tasks during a particlur shift the other day, a bit busy but not intensely so, that doubting myself, unintentionally, was limiting my capacity and how i actually executed said tasks. but i was really thinking in the moment, "wait... i can do this. i can in fact do this and i'm doubting myself far too much. i don't give myself enough credit for what i am capable of, do i?"

i thought about how fatigue and reluctance when approaching a task, obligation or challenge weren't data's initial reactions when he takes on a task or challenge--it's "yes, sir", "aye, captain", "affirmative." and it's not that i personally admire or have unwavering respect for authority... but my coworkers aren't even authoritarian or dominating in how they deliberate and make requests or give direction, that's not it. it's more that i do have a good work ethic, i care about doing something correctly and efficiently, but my brain and the way it's wired really do make things difficult for me and that wears on me. over the years it has definitely worn on me and it has impeded me many, many times. if you combine that with the fact that there are countless instances throughout my years in the workforce that i have had little to no real acknowledgement of any given accomplishments or work well done... it only added to my self-doubt in my abilities and what i can accomplish, and how much that accomplishment actually means to others, in the moment and in the long run.

but approaching tasks and challenges with "i can do this" "i am capable of this" and rather than seeing tasks and obligations as obstacles, and instead as a sequence of actions that i would execute sequentially, in order, to the best of my ability... that made everything i did so much easier. it really made a difference to keep data in my mind, alongside me, as i went about my day. i thought about how he would respond and react to requests and tasks and obligations and it made everything easier. i felt reinforced by him and his strengths and abilities and how he conducts himself and i hold this close to my heart.

i really love and admire data deeply... i've thought back to the times i saw the next generation on television as a kid and how i can remember noticing him, even though i wasn't watching star trek constantly, i have these vague memories of seeing him and never forgetting him. i've come back to tng over the years (why did i ever wait?) but now my partner have been watching it sequentially with more intention and i'm so happy to be, and i'm so happy to see data. and i must also mention that throughout my adulthood, over many recent years, i've come to terms with and realized i am autistic and that opened so many doors that held behind them so, so, so much more context and understanding of myself, my life experience, and who i really am. and it is so, so obvious to me and it's impossible to ignore, i feel so much relation to data and how he responds to others, reacts to conversations and sentiments, responds to situations and different contexts, even how he responds to jokes and human interactions. i may not be a literal android, but this android never feels like an "other" to me, never leaves me confused or wondering why he said something a particular way or asked a specific question... and more, there are distinct moments where his cohorts, superiors, and counterparts acknowledge his differences to humans and how he responds, processes, reacts to them with respect and dignity and will outright tell him that being different is a distinct strength of his and not something to feel lesser for or something to feel weighed down by. it is okay that he is different and does things differently, in his own way, and has his own way of navigating tasks, interactions, conversations, processing, etc.

it's okay for me, too. it really is okay. and i don't have anything to apologize for in response to how i operate, how i function, how i navigate the world and how my brain processes everyday life.

i have more to say, but i feel this is a good place to pause. i guess i just want to say, in addition to happy new year--thank you, data... i love and admire you in ways that are truly immense and deeply rooted in my heart, and my mind. you are truly beautiful to me and i also feel so much less isolated and limited in who i am because of you. you inspire and motivate and comfort me deeply. i'm really glad you exist.

— t

12/17/2025, 8:10 am cst

christmas is getting closer but things have been difficult leading up to it. things haven't improved much at my place of work, but of course i love my friendworkers (what i call my coworkers) and they're a resilient and special group of people who i really care about. they haven't given up on this place and even with the cons, they're still here. i'm grateful for all of them, and i feel like the very, very near future holds much needed change... something has to give... the hours i've been getting are totally insufficient but i've been doing my best. thankfully i'm relatively frugal and know how to save money and be mindful with my money but still it has been difficult. i can't quit, not with how little luck i've ever had getting hired ever, and how little luck i have in being treated like a human being and respected by management once i do get hired somewhere. the job market is also not at all stable right now and there is not an abundance of work i qualify for.

but even with all of this, and some very difficult things going on outside of work, i'm remaining present and there is a lot i am grateful for. i always remind myself of what i am grateful for--not that i forget. i have incredible friends that mean so much to me, i have people in my life that genuinely care about me and love me, my partner and i are so tight-knit and have a really, really strong relationship that is unbreakable, and i've continued to make art too. and of course i still work on this website and have more planned for it. i just need to get my ideas out and create everything i have in mind for this place. i want to revamp my shrines, put together some graphics galleries, and absolutely i will get my art uploaded here as well. i've been meaning to do that for some time, on the previous version of my website i did have a small collection of my art visible, but there's plenty more i could share, of course. i will get to that--there's digital and traditional art i will be sharing. and i just recently finished another sketchbook, as well. that's my third sketchbook finished! i spent years struggling to finish sketchbooks because i was so insecure in my art and my skill but in recent years that has absolutely changed. i have the most confidence now i've ever had in my skills and it's been a long, long time coming. i spent many years hating things i was drawing because i was so unhappy with myself and my skill and what came out of my hands... but it's different now. i have hard-earned skill that i've spent 25 years honing and i think it shows... i've worked hard to develop the art style and skill i have.

i think i'm going to also make a very concerted effort to make music. i've done it before, but like my physical and digital art, it's been difficult in the past to feel good about music i made. my tools were always limited, and i didn't have confidence in myself or my skill to feel really good about anything i created. i liked some of it, but i can't say i was ever deeply satisfied with any songs i'd created. i think that will be completely different this time around, and i think it's about time i really sit down to musically ruminate and see what comes of it... i'm excited for this. i know music takes time and can't be rushed.

i think today will be a good day... it is off to a good start and for that, despite everything, i am deeply grateful. i really am.

— t